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Part 2 to my coming out story...

Shortly after I came out to my best friend I met another girl, who happened to be quite a bit younger than myself.  I know, I know, sick right? Not really.  She was taller than me and when I first met her I thought she was my age.  We snuck out to movies almost every day together.  She helped me feel happy again.

Two weeks in my parents told me that they needed to talk to me. The date was October 21, 2009, about a year ago.  I waited for them up in my room, having no idea what this talk could possibly be about.  They basically told me that they knew I was dating this girl, and they knew I was gay.  I was told that I should get out of that relationship because of how young she was.  I had always known they were right, and it was tough, but I did get out of it.

My parents said that they had kind of always wondered if I was gay.  To this day, I honestly don't know how they figured out I was dating this girl.  I was very sneaky about it.  My dad at the time basically told me he thought I would grow out of it.  Like it was acne or something.  I asked him if he would grow out of liking girls someday too. He didn't say anything after that.  My mom got teary eyed.  I think she was sad that I would always be rejected by society, maybe not be able to have kids, and maybe not be able to get married.  It definitely wasn't the best conversation I've ever had with my parents.

The next year up to today was the best and worst of my life.  I was in a relationship with someone I didn't really mesh well with.  But, I learned a lot from the whole thing.  I've learned that no one should ever settle for anything that isn't exactly what they want.  That I should listen to my heart, but maybe mix that in with a little logic as well. Next time I want to take it a lot slower, and really think about if this is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life.  Sometimes I think we all jump into something to recover.  This is something that is a temporary happiness, and was never meant to last forever.  I wish I would have realized that sooner.

Since I got out of that relationship, I have met so many wonderful people.  I feel like I am really on the right track again.  All of these people are like my angels helping me through this.  For once in a long time, I feel like no one is holding me back.  I can take on the world again.  And it is all because of these amazing people that I can do this.  I am very thankful for everyone in my life, and all that they have done.

A lot of people think being gay is a fad.  Not something we were born with, but something that is nurtured into us.  The funny thing is, most of these people aren't gay!  I was born this way.  I remember my first crush on a girl was in elementary school.  At the time, I didn't understand my feelings because I didn't even honestly know what being gay was at the time.  But, I have always been this way.  However, ignorance is not something given up easily, so I guess if people want to think that being gay is nurture not nature, then there is nothing I can do about that.  Think what you what I suppose.

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Have to get this off my chest. This might be quite lengthy. I don't recommend holding your breath. So here we go.

I just got out of a roller coaster relationship with my girlfriend. We were together for almost a year.

I met her in my Junior, and what I didn't know to be my last year of high school. I went to a different high school than her, but I would often go to her high school to have lunch with one of my friends at the time. Often I would get there early to wait for my friend outside of her art classroom. On one particular day I did this same thing, waited for her outside this very classroom.

Now hold on, lets back up for a minute here. I loved this friend of mine. More than just friends; I wanted much more than that. I met this particular friend in my ninth grade French class. We were best friends ever since then, three years to be exact. Two out of the three years I was madly in love with her. This was when I started to question my sexuality.

I had never questioned who I loved before. Crushing on boys was normal so that is what I did. However, I had always kind of thought that girls were cute too. Until I met this girl in ninth grade I knew who I liked. After I met her I went through a phase that I would like to call my "lost" phase. At first I told myself that it was one of those weird crushes that all adolescent girls get at least once. I told myself that I wasn't gay and that I was perfectly normal in every sense of the word.

Being gay is something no one wants. No one wants to be hated and shunned by society. No one. Period. I tried so hard to like boys. Oh god, did I try. I actually met this nice boy who I went to the occasional high school dance with for a year. My mind trying to convince my heart that I loved him, but I didn't. He actually admitted he was asexual to me after I had known him for a length of time. I think that was when I gave up trying to pretend like I wasn't gay.

I still loved this girl at the time, and now I began to pursue it. I went out of my way to let her know my feelings, without actually saying them. I came out to a really good friend of mine a year ago to this month. He was the one who encouraged me, being gay himself, to come out to this girl and see what would happen. Finally, I had gotten the courage to tell her. It was October 21, 2009 and I remember this day more clearly than I remember anything else.

I told her that I needed to tell her something. And she paused the show we were watching and looked at me. I remember thinking to myself, "Oh hell, what have I gotten myself into!" We probably sat there on that couch in her basement for an hour while I tried to muster the courage to come out. Finally I spit it out. To sum everything up, she basically said it was okay and she already guessed that I was gay.

I drove home that night with my heart racing and my mind going about a thousand miles an hour. Did she like me back? I found out later that she didn't. Have you ever felt like your world was melting away, right through your fingers? Well that is how I felt. My world has ended and put itself back together three times now. This was the first time. Welcome to reality Brianna.

Since then me and this girl don't talk much. I lost my best friend that night. I couldn't stand to be around her and she knew I liked her a lot so everything got super weird between us.

I'm going to finish my coming out story in another post so it isn't overwhelming to read :D
You can thank me later.

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Why hello there :D

My name is Brianna. I guess I'll start off by telling a little bit about myself. I am 18 years old living with my parents and younger sister in Spring, Texas. Texas is not something I like in the least bit. I hate it here, actually. I grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah. Utah was and always will be home to me. However, for now I am stuck here so I'll manage.

I attended an early college high school back in Utah. That basically means I went to high school and college at the same time. Oh the joy! And now I have a job at a recruiting company. I basically make book length advertisements for potential CEO's and the Credit Unions that want to hire them. It is wondrous, monotonous work indeed. I also go to college full time to finish up my Associates degree I started in Utah. So basically, I haven't really had much of a life for a long time outside of work and school.

I am a Lesbian. I don't necessarily like labels, but society does, so there you go society! Labels! I love being myself, and that self loves girls. It is as simple as that, people.

I have a lot of theories and ideas. Some of them are very logical and others are just flat out weird. However, this makes me a really good on the spot story teller, and I'll probably post random writings on here. Poetry is also something I enjoy writing. But mostly I want this blog to act as a journal, or maybe even telling what little I can remember in my life. It will be personal, that is for certain.

Life is my game, and dammit, I'm going to play it until the end.