This past month has been one of my worst.
I feel like I'm slipping away, and I can't pull myself back together again. Helpless to my own breakdown. I know that I am sitting here writing in my blog at this very moment, but I feel so far away. As if my mind is floating somewhere behind me, yet my body remains here. I feel like someone has taken my little piece of safety and crushed it in front of my eyes. All of my plans, gone. Just like that.
I can't seem to focus on anything. For once in my life, I think I know what it is like to be ADHD. School has become too difficult, I can't make myself do any of my assignments, and its tough to go to class. I've been living in a dream state, and have lost my touch with reality. I sleep at least eight hours a night and still can't seem to stay awake during the day. Every day it only gets worse. I had to pull over today so I didn't fall asleep at the wheel on my way to school.
On top of that there is something wrong with me, as in medically. I get to participate in all sorts of fun tests, and hopefully they can make me feel better. I am getting two scopes next week, I had to shit in a cup, and they took a ton of my blood. They are saying my thyroid levels are high, so that might be what is making me tired. But, I keep getting awful stomach pain. This pain hurts more than anything I have ever felt. And lucky me, it just keeps getting worse.
I'm still in a state of shock from how much my life has gone belly up in such a short amount of time. However, I am not heartsick. I feel very lucky to have had the opportunity to learn so much from a person. We had a lovely season, but it is over now. And I'm okay with that. My situation is more like I have completely lost my sense of direction. Everyday, I work on picking up all the pieces of myself again, but it is taking a long time. It will take a long time to get myself back on my feet again. Yet, I think when I find myself again, everything will come together.
I have hope that things will get better someday.
I feel like someone needs to help me with this, like I can't do this alone. But I know what happens when you rely on other people. So, I'm going to try to get through this alone for now. I guess we shall see what happens. Fate can take the wheel for now.
Because there is beauty in the breakdown.
(Sorry for the negativity, I'm not normally like this...)
11/1/10
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