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This past month has been one of my worst.  


I feel like I'm slipping away, and I can't pull myself back together again.  Helpless to my own breakdown.  I know that I am sitting here writing in my blog at this very moment, but I feel so far away.  As if my mind is floating somewhere behind me, yet my body remains here.  I feel like someone has taken my little piece of safety and crushed it in front of my eyes.  All of my plans, gone.  Just like that.


I can't seem to focus on anything.  For once in my life, I think I know what it is like to be ADHD.  School has become too difficult, I can't make myself do any of my assignments, and its tough to go to class.  I've been living in a dream state, and have lost my touch with reality.  I sleep at least eight hours a night and still can't seem to stay awake during the day.  Every day it only gets worse.  I had to pull over today so I didn't fall asleep at the wheel on my way to school.  


On top of that there is something wrong with me, as in medically.  I get to participate in all sorts of fun tests, and hopefully they can make me feel better.  I am getting two scopes next week, I had to shit in a cup, and they took a ton of my blood.  They are saying my thyroid levels are high, so that might be what is making me tired.  But, I keep getting awful stomach pain.  This pain hurts more than anything I have ever felt. And lucky me, it just keeps getting worse.


I'm still in a state of shock from how much my life has gone belly up in such a short amount of time.  However, I am not heartsick.  I feel very lucky to have had the opportunity to learn so much from a person. We had a lovely season, but it is over now.  And I'm okay with that.  My situation is more like I have completely lost my sense of direction.  Everyday, I work on picking up all the pieces of myself again, but it is taking a long time.  It will take a long time to get myself back on my feet again. Yet, I think when I find myself again, everything will come together.  


I have hope that things will get better someday.


I feel like someone needs to help me with this, like I can't do this alone.  But I know what happens when you rely on other people.  So, I'm going to try to get through this alone for now.  I guess we shall see what happens.  Fate can take the wheel for now.


Because there is beauty in the breakdown. 


(Sorry for the negativity, I'm not normally like this...)