5

I wrote this poem a few years ago.  It was a present to my mom and dad for Christmas that year.  It is one of those poems I go back to when I've lost my way.


grow

Trees are life

In its simplest form.

The trunk is the foundation,

And the branches are the ideas that have shaped the world.

Resistant revolutions.

The twigs are the mistakes we’ve made,

The bombs we dropped,

Going nowhere.

But within those there are our victories,

The fortitude foundations of our imminent future.

I hope your tree never falls.

I hope that someday you can overlook the faults

That interrupt your existence.

Because birds use those twigs,

They make new beginnings in your branches,

And become your connections.

These birds will grow in your arms,

They will fly from your presence,

And you will never see them again.

But let them go

Because freedom flies.

Let your leaves sprout,

They will guard you from the storm,

But don’t disregard the good in your life.

Forgive, and forget

We only have so much time to waste.

I hope you grow tall,

With crevices and cracks in your foundation,

It’s the proof that you lived.

I hope you grow old

Because only then can you have respect for the life

That surrounds us. 

When time ends

I hope you can look back on your roots,

Of what you’ve done,

And be proud

Of where you’ve been.

I hope you grow.

4

This past month has been one of my worst.  


I feel like I'm slipping away, and I can't pull myself back together again.  Helpless to my own breakdown.  I know that I am sitting here writing in my blog at this very moment, but I feel so far away.  As if my mind is floating somewhere behind me, yet my body remains here.  I feel like someone has taken my little piece of safety and crushed it in front of my eyes.  All of my plans, gone.  Just like that.


I can't seem to focus on anything.  For once in my life, I think I know what it is like to be ADHD.  School has become too difficult, I can't make myself do any of my assignments, and its tough to go to class.  I've been living in a dream state, and have lost my touch with reality.  I sleep at least eight hours a night and still can't seem to stay awake during the day.  Every day it only gets worse.  I had to pull over today so I didn't fall asleep at the wheel on my way to school.  


On top of that there is something wrong with me, as in medically.  I get to participate in all sorts of fun tests, and hopefully they can make me feel better.  I am getting two scopes next week, I had to shit in a cup, and they took a ton of my blood.  They are saying my thyroid levels are high, so that might be what is making me tired.  But, I keep getting awful stomach pain.  This pain hurts more than anything I have ever felt. And lucky me, it just keeps getting worse.


I'm still in a state of shock from how much my life has gone belly up in such a short amount of time.  However, I am not heartsick.  I feel very lucky to have had the opportunity to learn so much from a person. We had a lovely season, but it is over now.  And I'm okay with that.  My situation is more like I have completely lost my sense of direction.  Everyday, I work on picking up all the pieces of myself again, but it is taking a long time.  It will take a long time to get myself back on my feet again. Yet, I think when I find myself again, everything will come together.  


I have hope that things will get better someday.


I feel like someone needs to help me with this, like I can't do this alone.  But I know what happens when you rely on other people.  So, I'm going to try to get through this alone for now.  I guess we shall see what happens.  Fate can take the wheel for now.


Because there is beauty in the breakdown. 


(Sorry for the negativity, I'm not normally like this...)