7

Kindness is not something I have learned easily.  It has taken me a lot of time.


Friends who I have had for many years probably remember I hurt a lot of people back then with my words.  I have always found it a sort of game to push people's buttons until they snap.  Something about the suspense and the idea of how far I could go made that really fun.  I have been very sarcastic and blunt with my words, and hurt a lot of people.


Lately, I have come to appreciate kindness.  There isn't a whole lot left of it in the world.  To find someone who is truly kind from the heart, is like finding the perfect diamond.  Easily gained, and easily sold away.  Kindness isn't something people treasure in a world where money talks.  There is nothing like having a friend who you can tell anything and feel safe.  A friend that would fly across the planet if they heard you needed them.  This is the type of friend that would tell you when you were doing something wrong and then take you out to dinner.  Give and expect nothing in return.  I want to be that person you can rely on.  I have been trying very hard to become that, but I am no where near where I could be.


I have met people like this in the past, and have regarded them as dust beneath my feet.  Something to be seen as pathetic and swept away.  Oh, how I have been an egotistical prick.  These are the people who will someday rise above the disappointing example of humanity we have all become.  


I am going to try to be as kind because I have seen the value in it.  Watch me world.
:D

6

I went through all our pictures today.  I was going to delete some of them, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I feel so much better about all of this now, but I can't help but miss the person I used to love.  Everything happens for a reason, so I am sure this is how it is suppose to be.  This past year has been pretty crazy, but I have learned so much.  I feel like I've gained years of experience and wisdom in only a short time.  Honestly, I feel like a different person now, but in a good way!  I guess you could say I am very thankful for everything.  


Here are a few of the things I have learned from all of this:


1. Never take something for granted, they might not always be there.
2. Be kind, someday it will pay off.
3. Only apologize when you have done something very wrong.
4. Don't just apologize, do what you can to fix the problem.
5. Be positive and everything you could ever want will come to you.
6. Don't let someone take advantage of you, no one deserves that.
7. Be yourself, and never let anyone change you.
8. Always do what you feel is right, and ignore everything else.  That way you live with no regrets.
9. Enjoy the little moments in life and don't dwell on the bad stuff.
10. Be very picky about what you are looking for in a relationship, so that you don't end up in bad relationships more often than good ones.
11. Don't let anyone hold you back from being you.
12. Take it slow.
13. Go into a relationship for the right reasons.  
14. If things are rough, back out before it is too late.
15. Support yourself and others in any way you can.
16. Learn to love yourself  before you love someone else.
17. Sometimes it just isn't worth it to fight, come to an agreement.
18. Life is too short to not have fun!
19. The most beautiful things in life are right under your nose, take a step back to find them.
20. Love is when you give and expect nothing in return, but at the same time not being blinded.
21. Seasons come and go, as do any relationship, and it's okay to let people come and go just like seasons.
22. Everyone in our lives is a teacher, from your best friend to your dog.  Learn from them.
23. Hope is humanities greatest asset.
24. Learn to move on and let go, but never forget.


I'm starting to feel a little better about everything! Soon I would like to start writing about stuff I care about.  Current issues, the world, society, blah blah blah.  Should be fun :D

5

I wrote this poem a few years ago.  It was a present to my mom and dad for Christmas that year.  It is one of those poems I go back to when I've lost my way.


grow

Trees are life

In its simplest form.

The trunk is the foundation,

And the branches are the ideas that have shaped the world.

Resistant revolutions.

The twigs are the mistakes we’ve made,

The bombs we dropped,

Going nowhere.

But within those there are our victories,

The fortitude foundations of our imminent future.

I hope your tree never falls.

I hope that someday you can overlook the faults

That interrupt your existence.

Because birds use those twigs,

They make new beginnings in your branches,

And become your connections.

These birds will grow in your arms,

They will fly from your presence,

And you will never see them again.

But let them go

Because freedom flies.

Let your leaves sprout,

They will guard you from the storm,

But don’t disregard the good in your life.

Forgive, and forget

We only have so much time to waste.

I hope you grow tall,

With crevices and cracks in your foundation,

It’s the proof that you lived.

I hope you grow old

Because only then can you have respect for the life

That surrounds us. 

When time ends

I hope you can look back on your roots,

Of what you’ve done,

And be proud

Of where you’ve been.

I hope you grow.

4

This past month has been one of my worst.  


I feel like I'm slipping away, and I can't pull myself back together again.  Helpless to my own breakdown.  I know that I am sitting here writing in my blog at this very moment, but I feel so far away.  As if my mind is floating somewhere behind me, yet my body remains here.  I feel like someone has taken my little piece of safety and crushed it in front of my eyes.  All of my plans, gone.  Just like that.


I can't seem to focus on anything.  For once in my life, I think I know what it is like to be ADHD.  School has become too difficult, I can't make myself do any of my assignments, and its tough to go to class.  I've been living in a dream state, and have lost my touch with reality.  I sleep at least eight hours a night and still can't seem to stay awake during the day.  Every day it only gets worse.  I had to pull over today so I didn't fall asleep at the wheel on my way to school.  


On top of that there is something wrong with me, as in medically.  I get to participate in all sorts of fun tests, and hopefully they can make me feel better.  I am getting two scopes next week, I had to shit in a cup, and they took a ton of my blood.  They are saying my thyroid levels are high, so that might be what is making me tired.  But, I keep getting awful stomach pain.  This pain hurts more than anything I have ever felt. And lucky me, it just keeps getting worse.


I'm still in a state of shock from how much my life has gone belly up in such a short amount of time.  However, I am not heartsick.  I feel very lucky to have had the opportunity to learn so much from a person. We had a lovely season, but it is over now.  And I'm okay with that.  My situation is more like I have completely lost my sense of direction.  Everyday, I work on picking up all the pieces of myself again, but it is taking a long time.  It will take a long time to get myself back on my feet again. Yet, I think when I find myself again, everything will come together.  


I have hope that things will get better someday.


I feel like someone needs to help me with this, like I can't do this alone.  But I know what happens when you rely on other people.  So, I'm going to try to get through this alone for now.  I guess we shall see what happens.  Fate can take the wheel for now.


Because there is beauty in the breakdown. 


(Sorry for the negativity, I'm not normally like this...)

3

Part 2 to my coming out story...

Shortly after I came out to my best friend I met another girl, who happened to be quite a bit younger than myself.  I know, I know, sick right? Not really.  She was taller than me and when I first met her I thought she was my age.  We snuck out to movies almost every day together.  She helped me feel happy again.

Two weeks in my parents told me that they needed to talk to me. The date was October 21, 2009, about a year ago.  I waited for them up in my room, having no idea what this talk could possibly be about.  They basically told me that they knew I was dating this girl, and they knew I was gay.  I was told that I should get out of that relationship because of how young she was.  I had always known they were right, and it was tough, but I did get out of it.

My parents said that they had kind of always wondered if I was gay.  To this day, I honestly don't know how they figured out I was dating this girl.  I was very sneaky about it.  My dad at the time basically told me he thought I would grow out of it.  Like it was acne or something.  I asked him if he would grow out of liking girls someday too. He didn't say anything after that.  My mom got teary eyed.  I think she was sad that I would always be rejected by society, maybe not be able to have kids, and maybe not be able to get married.  It definitely wasn't the best conversation I've ever had with my parents.

The next year up to today was the best and worst of my life.  I was in a relationship with someone I didn't really mesh well with.  But, I learned a lot from the whole thing.  I've learned that no one should ever settle for anything that isn't exactly what they want.  That I should listen to my heart, but maybe mix that in with a little logic as well. Next time I want to take it a lot slower, and really think about if this is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life.  Sometimes I think we all jump into something to recover.  This is something that is a temporary happiness, and was never meant to last forever.  I wish I would have realized that sooner.

Since I got out of that relationship, I have met so many wonderful people.  I feel like I am really on the right track again.  All of these people are like my angels helping me through this.  For once in a long time, I feel like no one is holding me back.  I can take on the world again.  And it is all because of these amazing people that I can do this.  I am very thankful for everyone in my life, and all that they have done.

A lot of people think being gay is a fad.  Not something we were born with, but something that is nurtured into us.  The funny thing is, most of these people aren't gay!  I was born this way.  I remember my first crush on a girl was in elementary school.  At the time, I didn't understand my feelings because I didn't even honestly know what being gay was at the time.  But, I have always been this way.  However, ignorance is not something given up easily, so I guess if people want to think that being gay is nurture not nature, then there is nothing I can do about that.  Think what you what I suppose.

2

Have to get this off my chest. This might be quite lengthy. I don't recommend holding your breath. So here we go.

I just got out of a roller coaster relationship with my girlfriend. We were together for almost a year.

I met her in my Junior, and what I didn't know to be my last year of high school. I went to a different high school than her, but I would often go to her high school to have lunch with one of my friends at the time. Often I would get there early to wait for my friend outside of her art classroom. On one particular day I did this same thing, waited for her outside this very classroom.

Now hold on, lets back up for a minute here. I loved this friend of mine. More than just friends; I wanted much more than that. I met this particular friend in my ninth grade French class. We were best friends ever since then, three years to be exact. Two out of the three years I was madly in love with her. This was when I started to question my sexuality.

I had never questioned who I loved before. Crushing on boys was normal so that is what I did. However, I had always kind of thought that girls were cute too. Until I met this girl in ninth grade I knew who I liked. After I met her I went through a phase that I would like to call my "lost" phase. At first I told myself that it was one of those weird crushes that all adolescent girls get at least once. I told myself that I wasn't gay and that I was perfectly normal in every sense of the word.

Being gay is something no one wants. No one wants to be hated and shunned by society. No one. Period. I tried so hard to like boys. Oh god, did I try. I actually met this nice boy who I went to the occasional high school dance with for a year. My mind trying to convince my heart that I loved him, but I didn't. He actually admitted he was asexual to me after I had known him for a length of time. I think that was when I gave up trying to pretend like I wasn't gay.

I still loved this girl at the time, and now I began to pursue it. I went out of my way to let her know my feelings, without actually saying them. I came out to a really good friend of mine a year ago to this month. He was the one who encouraged me, being gay himself, to come out to this girl and see what would happen. Finally, I had gotten the courage to tell her. It was October 21, 2009 and I remember this day more clearly than I remember anything else.

I told her that I needed to tell her something. And she paused the show we were watching and looked at me. I remember thinking to myself, "Oh hell, what have I gotten myself into!" We probably sat there on that couch in her basement for an hour while I tried to muster the courage to come out. Finally I spit it out. To sum everything up, she basically said it was okay and she already guessed that I was gay.

I drove home that night with my heart racing and my mind going about a thousand miles an hour. Did she like me back? I found out later that she didn't. Have you ever felt like your world was melting away, right through your fingers? Well that is how I felt. My world has ended and put itself back together three times now. This was the first time. Welcome to reality Brianna.

Since then me and this girl don't talk much. I lost my best friend that night. I couldn't stand to be around her and she knew I liked her a lot so everything got super weird between us.

I'm going to finish my coming out story in another post so it isn't overwhelming to read :D
You can thank me later.

1

Why hello there :D

My name is Brianna. I guess I'll start off by telling a little bit about myself. I am 18 years old living with my parents and younger sister in Spring, Texas. Texas is not something I like in the least bit. I hate it here, actually. I grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah. Utah was and always will be home to me. However, for now I am stuck here so I'll manage.

I attended an early college high school back in Utah. That basically means I went to high school and college at the same time. Oh the joy! And now I have a job at a recruiting company. I basically make book length advertisements for potential CEO's and the Credit Unions that want to hire them. It is wondrous, monotonous work indeed. I also go to college full time to finish up my Associates degree I started in Utah. So basically, I haven't really had much of a life for a long time outside of work and school.

I am a Lesbian. I don't necessarily like labels, but society does, so there you go society! Labels! I love being myself, and that self loves girls. It is as simple as that, people.

I have a lot of theories and ideas. Some of them are very logical and others are just flat out weird. However, this makes me a really good on the spot story teller, and I'll probably post random writings on here. Poetry is also something I enjoy writing. But mostly I want this blog to act as a journal, or maybe even telling what little I can remember in my life. It will be personal, that is for certain.

Life is my game, and dammit, I'm going to play it until the end.