10

Alright.  Let's talk goals.


Lately I've been thinking about where I'm going in life.  What the hell I am suppose to be doing.  As some people know, I have been networking like there is no tomorrow.  I have met a few really cool people, and a lot of duds, but it has been totally worth it.  A few of them are my most favorite people I've ever met.


I've been thinking about relationships.  I've come to the conclusion that there are things that I need to do for myself before I can be good for someone else.  It might take me six months to better myself, and it might be a year.  I don't know yet.  But I do know that I need to do this, for me.  Not for anyone else.  So I have planned out a few goals for myself to complete in the next two years.  They are all completely revolving about making me feel better.  I am going to be entirely self centered and vain for once in my life. I figure if I have them out like this for everyone to see, I feel like a complete looser if I don't prove to everyone that I can do this.


So here we go, in order of when I will complete:


1.  Write in in my blog a couple times a week


I'm hoping it will help me with my writers block I've had for a few months. And who doesn't want to read about my life, duh.


2.  Drink more water


I don't drink hardly enough.  And it's good for you, bitches.


3.  Read books about nutrition for vegetarians


I have no idea how to eat properly.  I either eat too much of all the wrong things, or not enough of the things I need.  Every cell in my body is screaming at me to fix this.


4.  Get B's and A's on my grades next semester


I have really bad grades right now.  Enough said.


5.  Spend more time with my younger sister, Emily


I might not live here with her much longer.  I'm kind of mean to her sometimes, and I want her to remember good stuff about me. Don't know if that is possible at this point but I am going to try.  When my parents die, she might be the only family I've got left.


6.  Loose 30 pounds


I've always struggled with this.  However, because of my new exciting esophagus problems it might be easier than ever to loose weight;  due to my restricted food options.  I'm going to a metabolism specialist, and possibly going to get a nutritionist.  Starting this week I will get some sort of activity everyday, and eat way different.  I realize I will have to continue this for the rest of my life.  However, it is either this and reduced pain and no hernia surgery, or pain and hernia surgery.  My options are vast, I know.


7.  Travel places I have never been


Maybe my Internet friends can help me out with this one, yes??  I want to see the world eventually, but we will start small.


8.  Get tattoos


I'm incorporating this one into me loosing weight.  Kind of like my reward.  Totally inspiring, right?  


Anyways, I am feeling really, super, amazingly, good lately.  Expect happy posts! Yay :D


brianna is out.

9

When I walked outside today and felt the chill taking my breath away, I could only think about one thing. Sweaters.  And not just sweaters.  Cardigans.

http://www.designerwearuk.com

I mean, not that it really matters that it's cold out and so society says, it is now time to break out the cardigans!  I wear them in the dead of summer anyways.  Who cares if you're sweating if you look good while doing it.


Something about the softness of a good baggy sweater gives me butterflies.  They are so adaptable.  You can wear them layered or not.  You can gain weight while in them or loose weight and they still look awesome on you.  They wrap you in a warm embrace that lasts longer than any lover could ever give.


Not to mention I totally lot hot and sophisticated in them.  Not that I really am, but it's a nice thought, isn't it?


I totally got that jacket that Edward Cullen wears in Twilight.  I don't like the guy at all, but dammit, he has good style.  

http://cristinagrosu.wordpress.com

It's been a rough few days!  I got into a pretty big argument with my dad.  We have never gotten along, ever since I was a little kid.  We clash about everything.  Every little goddamn thing.  And it is always "my fault."  I'm the only one who apologizes.  I've really reached my breaking point. 


Once our Utah house finally gets off the housing market, I'm moving out.  I'm hoping to move in the Montrose area downtown (THE gay spot in Houston). 

http://thebeerbrotha.blogspot.com

I need some awesome lesbian friends, so I figure that is a great start.  I'll attend the University of Houston while I am there, get my Bachelors degree in social sciences, and in a few years, I'm moving out of Texas.  I really want to go to Seattle or California.  Why? Lesbians, duh.  But maybe, just maybe, I'll meet someone before then.  And in that case, I might just move somewhere else with this amazing person :D


Hey, I can hope right?


Anyways, I need to get the hell out of this house.  Like, soon. I will be madly trying to make friends here while I'm at it, and hopefully find a roommate.  If not I'm pretty sure I will loose all my hair out of loneliness, but it's better than getting my head ripped off here at home.

I think something really wants me to get the hell out of Texas.  Everything that has happened since I've gotten here has sucked balls.  


I cannot wait to have my own, cute lil place ;D  I'mma get a cute lil doggie, like the good dyke I am.

http://farm4.static.flickr.com

Brianna, is out.

8

I've been having this weird clip, image or whatever you want to call it, pop into my head lately.  I'm looking into a desert with mountains shadowed in the distance.  The sky is a light grey, that you only see on the most dismal of days.  It doesn't guarantee rain or revival, just cold, static wind.  The ground is almost completely flat and endless until it hits the mountains.  It is very hard under my feet, and almost completely solid except for hairline cracks that run throughout its surface. The whole scene looks like something from the salt flats in Utah, or maybe the black rock desert in Nevada.

As I look in front of me I see a girl standing maybe thirty feet in front of me.  She wears all black, and looks very thin and worn down like she bears an incredible weight upon her shoulders. Her black garb is thick, and her hair blows in the cold breeze.  She is covered in spots of dust and dirt, her brown hair looks very ragged and choppy.   Just past her I can see what she is looking at.  What used to be an old brick and stone cottage lies destroyed in the distance.  I can make out what the foundation of the house used to look like among the debris and rubble.  The torn down house is the only thing in the whole desert besides the girl standing in front of it.

In that moment after I had taken the scene in the girl turns slightly.  She looks at me for a moment, and then I realize the girl is me.  She gives me this wicked side smile and then it's all over.

I'll just be sitting and out of nowhere I can see it playing in my head again as if I was there.  It's not a daydream or a weird thing I made up in my head.  I feel like it is so real.  I think I'm suppose to get a message out of it.  It is either something about how I have changed, and my safety has crumbled before me, but I shouldn't forget that I can rebuild.  Something about my current state anyways.  But I feel like there is so much more to it then that.  I've been thinking about what that could could be over the past couple of days and I finally came up with it.

I have felt as though everything is falling apart for a long time now.  I can feel it in my bones.  Everyday when I go to school, I wonder if my degree will do me any good.  When I spend countless hours in a cubicle, I wonder if I am only saving up firewood.  It is a hard concept to grasp but I feel as though everything is coming to an end.  A horrible, catastrophic, bloody, "2012 end of the world" end? No.  A different sort of end unlike everyone is talking about.  I believe that power will collapse. Democracy, economy, institutions are coming to an end.  Why do I feel this way? I don't know.  I just do. That is the best explanation I can give you.

I'll elaborate on all of this in another entry.

7

Kindness is not something I have learned easily.  It has taken me a lot of time.


Friends who I have had for many years probably remember I hurt a lot of people back then with my words.  I have always found it a sort of game to push people's buttons until they snap.  Something about the suspense and the idea of how far I could go made that really fun.  I have been very sarcastic and blunt with my words, and hurt a lot of people.


Lately, I have come to appreciate kindness.  There isn't a whole lot left of it in the world.  To find someone who is truly kind from the heart, is like finding the perfect diamond.  Easily gained, and easily sold away.  Kindness isn't something people treasure in a world where money talks.  There is nothing like having a friend who you can tell anything and feel safe.  A friend that would fly across the planet if they heard you needed them.  This is the type of friend that would tell you when you were doing something wrong and then take you out to dinner.  Give and expect nothing in return.  I want to be that person you can rely on.  I have been trying very hard to become that, but I am no where near where I could be.


I have met people like this in the past, and have regarded them as dust beneath my feet.  Something to be seen as pathetic and swept away.  Oh, how I have been an egotistical prick.  These are the people who will someday rise above the disappointing example of humanity we have all become.  


I am going to try to be as kind because I have seen the value in it.  Watch me world.
:D

6

I went through all our pictures today.  I was going to delete some of them, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I feel so much better about all of this now, but I can't help but miss the person I used to love.  Everything happens for a reason, so I am sure this is how it is suppose to be.  This past year has been pretty crazy, but I have learned so much.  I feel like I've gained years of experience and wisdom in only a short time.  Honestly, I feel like a different person now, but in a good way!  I guess you could say I am very thankful for everything.  


Here are a few of the things I have learned from all of this:


1. Never take something for granted, they might not always be there.
2. Be kind, someday it will pay off.
3. Only apologize when you have done something very wrong.
4. Don't just apologize, do what you can to fix the problem.
5. Be positive and everything you could ever want will come to you.
6. Don't let someone take advantage of you, no one deserves that.
7. Be yourself, and never let anyone change you.
8. Always do what you feel is right, and ignore everything else.  That way you live with no regrets.
9. Enjoy the little moments in life and don't dwell on the bad stuff.
10. Be very picky about what you are looking for in a relationship, so that you don't end up in bad relationships more often than good ones.
11. Don't let anyone hold you back from being you.
12. Take it slow.
13. Go into a relationship for the right reasons.  
14. If things are rough, back out before it is too late.
15. Support yourself and others in any way you can.
16. Learn to love yourself  before you love someone else.
17. Sometimes it just isn't worth it to fight, come to an agreement.
18. Life is too short to not have fun!
19. The most beautiful things in life are right under your nose, take a step back to find them.
20. Love is when you give and expect nothing in return, but at the same time not being blinded.
21. Seasons come and go, as do any relationship, and it's okay to let people come and go just like seasons.
22. Everyone in our lives is a teacher, from your best friend to your dog.  Learn from them.
23. Hope is humanities greatest asset.
24. Learn to move on and let go, but never forget.


I'm starting to feel a little better about everything! Soon I would like to start writing about stuff I care about.  Current issues, the world, society, blah blah blah.  Should be fun :D

5

I wrote this poem a few years ago.  It was a present to my mom and dad for Christmas that year.  It is one of those poems I go back to when I've lost my way.


grow

Trees are life

In its simplest form.

The trunk is the foundation,

And the branches are the ideas that have shaped the world.

Resistant revolutions.

The twigs are the mistakes we’ve made,

The bombs we dropped,

Going nowhere.

But within those there are our victories,

The fortitude foundations of our imminent future.

I hope your tree never falls.

I hope that someday you can overlook the faults

That interrupt your existence.

Because birds use those twigs,

They make new beginnings in your branches,

And become your connections.

These birds will grow in your arms,

They will fly from your presence,

And you will never see them again.

But let them go

Because freedom flies.

Let your leaves sprout,

They will guard you from the storm,

But don’t disregard the good in your life.

Forgive, and forget

We only have so much time to waste.

I hope you grow tall,

With crevices and cracks in your foundation,

It’s the proof that you lived.

I hope you grow old

Because only then can you have respect for the life

That surrounds us. 

When time ends

I hope you can look back on your roots,

Of what you’ve done,

And be proud

Of where you’ve been.

I hope you grow.

4

This past month has been one of my worst.  


I feel like I'm slipping away, and I can't pull myself back together again.  Helpless to my own breakdown.  I know that I am sitting here writing in my blog at this very moment, but I feel so far away.  As if my mind is floating somewhere behind me, yet my body remains here.  I feel like someone has taken my little piece of safety and crushed it in front of my eyes.  All of my plans, gone.  Just like that.


I can't seem to focus on anything.  For once in my life, I think I know what it is like to be ADHD.  School has become too difficult, I can't make myself do any of my assignments, and its tough to go to class.  I've been living in a dream state, and have lost my touch with reality.  I sleep at least eight hours a night and still can't seem to stay awake during the day.  Every day it only gets worse.  I had to pull over today so I didn't fall asleep at the wheel on my way to school.  


On top of that there is something wrong with me, as in medically.  I get to participate in all sorts of fun tests, and hopefully they can make me feel better.  I am getting two scopes next week, I had to shit in a cup, and they took a ton of my blood.  They are saying my thyroid levels are high, so that might be what is making me tired.  But, I keep getting awful stomach pain.  This pain hurts more than anything I have ever felt. And lucky me, it just keeps getting worse.


I'm still in a state of shock from how much my life has gone belly up in such a short amount of time.  However, I am not heartsick.  I feel very lucky to have had the opportunity to learn so much from a person. We had a lovely season, but it is over now.  And I'm okay with that.  My situation is more like I have completely lost my sense of direction.  Everyday, I work on picking up all the pieces of myself again, but it is taking a long time.  It will take a long time to get myself back on my feet again. Yet, I think when I find myself again, everything will come together.  


I have hope that things will get better someday.


I feel like someone needs to help me with this, like I can't do this alone.  But I know what happens when you rely on other people.  So, I'm going to try to get through this alone for now.  I guess we shall see what happens.  Fate can take the wheel for now.


Because there is beauty in the breakdown. 


(Sorry for the negativity, I'm not normally like this...)